"Awaken The Dream"

As I sit here and ponder on who I am and where I am going,
I can't help but be envious of almost everyone I see,
not just who I know.

It seems as if everyone out there possesses something that I don't.
When I look across and up and down, and even all around,
I see strangers who have smiles that are truly real.
I see friends laughing and not pretending to be humored.
I see people who are concentrated and not saturated.
That their reality and dreams seems to be as one.

I must confess I've been acting all along.
Forcing a smile, forcing a laugh,
forcing a concentrated glimpse of someone who seems to be focused.
My act of being motivated is truly just a motivated act.
A farce.
A fake.
I'm only motivated to sleep so I can dream,
not to be awake to make those dreams a reality.
See because it's so much easier
to let my brain wander and scatter uncontrollably in my subconscious
and to let it create it's own world.
Once I wake, whether it felt real or fake, it doesn't really matter,
for all I have to do is close my eyes once again
and new dreams are ingested
while old dreams are digested as just moments in time
that faded away with no conclusion of whether they could become real or not.
It's new every time with no backlash.
I can be free in my sleep.
I can create.
I can be rich or poor, relaxed or sore, I can sit on the ceiling while touching the floor.

I'd much rather be asleep.
For that world is unpredictable, but always fixable.
There is always a hope, not a truth.
But oh no, not in the true world, the awake world, that world that is real.
When you are crushed and hurt and spit out over and over again,
you can't just close your eyes and start over,
oh no,
in the real world you have to deal with reality whether you want to or not,
whether you are ready or not,
whether you can handle it or not.

Reality is a bitch with more than two faces.
In fact she wears so much make up you can't see which one is truly her.
Yes, she will take you to new places
but trust me on this,
she will then switch on you when you least expect it and leave you disrespected
and right when you say, "Yes i guessed it right"....
she will bring you to new heights of being outright neglected.

So I'd rather dream.
For in my dreams she can only be Dr. Jekyll and not Mrs. Hyde.
She can make me be reborn every time she chooses for me to die.
In my dreams she doesn't lie. She doesn't make me cry.
Why I can't wait for the next time I close my eyes.
For then I have the chance to erase these strains of pain and haunting memories and start fresh
with so many hours left to go and find new roads to hold on to and feel.

Oh beautiful, precious dreams.
You are what I look forward to because you always promise me something new.
Reality?...well I must confess,
I hate the damage you've caused me
so you can disappear and never come back for all I care.
My dreams are what I hold close to my heart now, for they give me freedom.
They never disappoint.
They allow me to start over with a clean slate and they never leave me in a mean state.
So go on reality,
get lost,
get out of here,
for I have to get ready for my next big date with you know who.

And hopefully this time,
I won't wake up
and she won't let go
and I can disappear into her arms until she gives me what I need.

Because if you haven't guessed it yet,
my dreams are when I'm truly awake.
And reality is when I'm asleep.



"I Miss"

I miss being a kid. I miss knowing that my whole life is ahead of me. I miss getting lost in the woods and hearing the sounds of the forest as the sun goes down. I miss spending hours raking up leaves just to jump into them 10 seconds after finishing. I miss that nervousness of my first pitch in my first baseball game. I miss the uncontrollable excitement of Christmas morning. I miss that feeling of my first crush, my first kiss, my first love.

I miss my father. I miss his advice and guidance. I miss his strength and the strength he gives me. I miss his wisdom and his relentless courage that no matter what happens in life, everything is and will be okay. I miss that day when he first introduced me to the sounds of Miles Davis and the beauty of Jazz music. I miss those cold and snowy nights sitting in front of the fireplace challenging him to game after game of chess.

I miss the dreams I could create in my art before I even learned how to speak a full sentence. I miss hearing my mother's words telling me that this world is my canvas and that my mind is the medium. I miss hearing her voice scream for me during every play of every game I ever played. I miss her rubbing my head and drying my tears. I miss looking into her eyes and in return drying the tears that she shed for me.

I miss that first day of college. I miss that feeling of a new found freedom. I miss meeting so many creative people in such a small amount of time. I miss not knowing how influential they would be to me and my creativity. I miss that day that I left for San Francisco with absolutely no plan other than to experience something new. I miss having that motivation for ultimate change. I miss the feeling of my first show when I could hardly stand because of utter anxiousness to prove to not only myself but to everyone else that I was serious about my music.

I miss the feeling of being in love and being equally loved in return. I miss being able to feel safe not only when I'm in someone's arms but also when someone else is in my arms. I miss hearing someone tell me that they love me and know that they meant every word of it. I miss lying in bed with someone all day long and hating that either one of us had to get up just to go to the bathroom. I miss seeing the smile on a beautiful girl's face when she catches me staring at her. I miss witnessing that subtle change in her eyes when she is intrigued by my interests and wants nothing more than just to hear my voice. And I miss that truth that sometimes because of the way she makes me feel, I am at a loss for words.

I miss so many experiences, times and people. I miss so many moments, memories, and feelings. It seems as if sometimes I miss more things than the things I have. I miss so many things it's impossible to list them all. But out of everything I miss, most of all, I just miss being missed.



"Puddle Of Blood"

A puddle of mud? I have a puddle of blood
that's flooding my stomach leaving me huddled and stuck.
My head I try to hold up every time I need to throw up
but all I seem to have is no luck when I'm bleeding from my cold gut.
I shake violently from the rush of blood shooting up my throat.
My vision becomes so blurry I can't hope to try and cope.
Thoughts of dying has brought my mind to crying.
It's haunting to my eyes to see my young life declining.
Something is infested and something is infected.
I spray a sea of red that looks like death yet half digested.
The pain is overwhelming and downright indescribable
like someone is stabbing my insides with a razor lined fireball.
Warm sweat drips down my face as my pigment is erased.
The harsh trace of fresh blood is the only thing I can taste.
It thickens every single day and in every which way.
I think every morning when I wake that this could be my last day.
These are easily and feasibly the scariest moments in my life
and it seems I leave a piece of me when I try to control and fight.
There is something seriously wrong but I'm trying to keep strong
but it might not be long before it's over and then I'm gone.



"The Night After Christmas"

Thoughts.
It amazes me what power they have.
How the mind can grab and stab the traces of time
and experiences through our body and soul.
How too many thoughts can make me lose control.

The thoughts of a woman dying, a man trying,
a love crying, and a connection flying.
It causes an infection in the body.
The reflection of one's self is helpless and tested.
I let it infest and consume me.

I fall without fail like a nail to the bed.
My head's throbbing from the rush.
My tears stain the sheets as I clutch my hands and curl my feet.
Each breath falls short while my lungs collapse
and I wrap myself into a world of uncertainty.
There is no calm in sight.
My mom turns on the light and rushes to my side.
She screams as I begin to hyperventilate.
I try to speak but only dust extrudes from my lips.
She grips my hand as my father sprints into the room.
They see my horror, they see my doom.
Unable to move they lift me from my chest and step me down the stairs,
unaware of why the glare in my eyes sees nothing but black.

Each breath is a battle, a cry, an attack.
I can barely hear my dad's voice...
"One foot in front of the other. Only three more steps. Now two. Now one."
My feet are merely flesh with no bone.
My hands begin to go numb.
Then my face becomes liquid as they swift me across the floor.
"Hold the car door open", he screams  as my mother leans me into the backseat.
"Watch his head, watch his legs and watch his feet."
The tires screech as I feel my eyes start to shut.
Sharp words of pure terror leap from my mother's mouth...
"Hold on son, Please, just hold on."

I feel almost gone.
My blood has turned to ice,
I try and look up but my eyes are blinded by the light.
Is this my last day, my last night, my last fight?
She rocks my head and holds me in place as I feel her tears drop on my face.
A million thoughts have now become one…
This is it mother, my time has come.
She screams, "Don't close your eyes..."

So out of love I grip and I fight to try and stay alive.
My body has disappeared with no feeling.
I cry out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" with the little breath I still possess.
"We're almost there..." she cries as I hear the car accelerate.
I look at my mother, I cry out my lover's name,
"Mom, please tell her I love her, for I will never be the same."

Time seems like a magnet holding me in confusion
as doctors rush to the car just as I start to lose it.
My body collapses down like a broken stick
into the thick steel bars of the hard wheelchair.
Everyone looks, everyone stares as they race me violently into the ER.
My feet are hard and my hands are contorted,
I can't feel a thing except for my mind being tortured.
I start to cry as they wheel me backwards away from my parents.
Through the window, I can see them start to crumble as they stand and try and bare it.
Three hours goes by as they bring me back to life.
When I finally open my eyes, I see all my wrongs and I want to make them right.
I can now feel my body, I'm able to move my hands,
I can see that I'm alive as I try to move and stand.
My breathing has calmed and my heart is still beating.

I start to cry...

not because I'm back, but because I thought that I was leaving...

December 26th, 2006

Patient number: H237788 EMER



"Dear Life"

Dear Life,

I am writing to you because I am unhappy with our relationship.
I've noticed that lately you have not been treating me as well as you used to
or the way I feel I deserve to be treated.

It seems as if you are being too selfish and too greedy
and you are not being someone I can count on.
It seems as if the more I try to give to you, the more you try and take from me.
And it is hurting me and our relationship deeply.

I used to believe that being with you would bring me great
and amazing times and experiences.
But lately, you have been walking all over me.
You have lost touch with how special our connection is and can be.
We have been through too much Life and you know it.
It seems like we have been together forever.
And I have given so much to you.
I have been so good to you.
And you used to see the love I gave you
and you used to give me the same love back.

But something has changed.
You have changed.
You are a different Life.
An unforgiving Life.
A backstabbing Life.
And it hurts me more than you could ever imagine
because I have given so much up just to have a happy relationship with you.

I know we have had our ups and downs.
Every relationship does.
But lately it's been nothing but downs.
And I've been biting my lip and not saying anything
because deep down I know who you can be
and I've been hoping you will return to the one I love.
And so I've been sitting alone, wondering where you are,
the Life I love, and wishing that you would realize all the things I have sacrificed for you.
That you would realize how much you are hurting me.
But it seems as if you are completely blind to the way you treat me.
And I've been crying inside from the way you seem to laugh
with every horrible and wrong thing that you do to me.
And I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of being stepped on.
And what is so hard for me is that deep down, I still love you Life.
I believe you can do better.
I believe that you can treat me like someone you care about.
I know you can be the Life I feel in love with.
The Life that used to amaze and surprise me everyday.
The Life that used to take care of me.
What makes it so hard is everyone I know except for myself,
seems to think that you will come around and sweep me of my feet.
They all have faith in you.
But I am losing faith. And I am losing trust in you.
And if you don't improve the way you treat me,
I'm sorry, but I will be forced to leave you.
I don't want to because we've shared so much together
but I can only take so much pain.

I used to wake up in the morning and smile at the fact that you were always there.
You used to open your arms to me everyday with so much compassion and love.
But now when I wake up and it's hard to look you in the eyes.
It's hard for me to want to embrace you everyday.
So much that I don't even want to get out of bed
because I am afraid of what you will do to me.

And it makes me think, why?
Why Life?
Why are you being so mean and unfair to me?
Why does it seem like you have lost all confidence in me?
Why are you treating me like this?
Is it something I did?
If I did something wrong, please tell me.
But I'll be honest in saying if I did do something wrong,
that the punishment does not fit the crime.
The way you are treating me is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.
It is heartbreaking and cruel.
And I've reached the boiling point where I don't know if I can take it anymore.
I don't know if we can make it through this.
I don't know if you can change.

But I am writing you this letter because I have not given up just yet.
I still believe that you can change and show me
that you are the same Life I have come to grow with, learn from and fall for.
But I want to let you know Life that you are walking on thin ice.
You will have to do a lot more than you ever have
to make up for what you have done to me lately.
You will have to show me that you care for me,
that you love me,
that you want to continue our relationship.

But if you don't show me soon, I'm sorry, but our relationship will be over,
for there is only so much heartache one person can handle.
I am sorry it has come to this,
but I feel like if I don't tell you how I feel
then nothing will improve and it will just get worse.

But I love you Life, I really do.
That's why I am giving you one more chance.
I believe in you Life.
Please, please, please don't let me down.

Love,
Dayo



"Chemistry"

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
But I can't help but waste the terrible thing that is my mind.
Time after time, it seems to have been infected every time my heart's been neglected.
What is it about this connection?
The connection that my heart sparks in my mind when it's been lost and tossed to the side.
My mind tries to find a way to calm my heart but my heart is merely just a child,
crying for attention, trying for intervention and dying for affection.
If my heart doesn't get it's way,
my mind will find a way to reinforce the course of remorse
and force my heart to scream and dream
about what is, what was, and what seems to be the sea of hope.
So in return my heart provokes and chokes my mind until it's hopeless and blue
and soon the gloom will zoom through my veins spreading the pain in every which way.

My mind needs my heart to live
but my heart can only give so many vivid and mixed emotions
causing an ocean of rage that stages unrest in my mind when it's tested.
I try and digest it.
I try and let it set and then fly it out of my system,
but the water is rigid and infested with the debris of memories,
sending me to drown in the sound of tomorrow and the frowns of yesterday.

There has to be a better way.
But there isn't.
Because listen, it's chemistry.
The chemistry that's letting me and telling me that the enemy that's setting me off is simply just me.
The chemistry between the heart and the mind that's intertwining
and designing an intense fence around my feelings,
reeling them in and making them sin.
The chemistry between the dreaming of love and the reality of lust,
trusting that they are one in the same when really it's the heart that believes it
and the mind that leaves it to blame.
I will never be the same.
The only solution is to use it and fuse it together.
For better or worse, the curse is the cure.
The chemistry is pure and it's needed for me to lure
another love, another touch, another day...



"June 22"

The day of my birth will be the day of my death.
The day I had life will be the day that I rest.
I've lived a thousand lifetimes, and I only have one left.
And I will live it in spirit, free from heartache and stress.

This world is a cave and I have yet to see the light.
Trapped in a corner, away from strength and insight.
Release me from these chains, for I have to set flight,
to soar with the souls that form the shadows at night.

Escape is a virtue, one distant and pure.
The mind is a disease, unscathed and uncured.
For those I have touched and for those I have lured,
my love is a poison allowing only temporary allure.

I've loved like a monster, with power and grace.
I've abused it and used it to hide my own face.
My apologizes are eternal, subtle and embraced.
But I can't go back now, for my heart's been misplaced.

My train is leaving this earth now, with and without me.
My bags are packed with experience and memories.
I want to thank you all for the wisdom that set me free.
It made me who I am, who I was, and forever will be.

So scatter my ashes in the summertime breeze,
so I can fly with the wind until I reach the lost sea.
For it is there that I'll rise and expand until I see,
everyone and everybody, everything but me.



"Yesterday"

What's wrong with the world today?
Everybody's lost trying to find their way,
People seem to be caught up in a maze,
They say sky's the limit, but my skies are grey,

So here's to yesterday....

What's wrong with the world today?
We gotta break our backs just to get some pay,
We're prescribed drugs just to feel okay,
No one believes in love all they do is stray,

So here's to yesterday....

What's wrong with the world today?
Too many families living with no place to stay,
The children of the world have no place to play,
It's like we have no voice, don't know what to say,

So here's to yesterday....